*These beautiful clay art pieces above were made by Haydn Larson. He used to be at several art fairs my parents did when I was growing up, and they became friends. I now have several of his pieces that belonged to my parents. These two are my favorites. One day I would love to be the proud owner of his buddha statue. He is a fine artist.*
Im in a period right now of being very off balance. But its a journey I know I need to take, to find greater balance than I had before. For several months now, I have sort of pushed aside going within, to any great depths. Ive been fearful, to be honest, to do so. It's been one year now since I lost my dad, to suicide, and 4 1/2 years since I lost my mom, to cancer. There are days it still seems very surreal... like one day Im still going to wake up and see them. But the more time goes on, the more the reality of that sets in. Before I lost my dad, I felt like I was at a good place in my heart with losing my mom... but this event brought it all back in a new way. And now we are going through the process of getting closer and closer to selling their home, the home I grew up in, and it feels like Im losing them all over again.
Im also beginning to dig deeper into all of the emotional effects it has really brought on me, among other things that have happened in these past 5 years. I have alot of built up fears and anxieties that have come into my life during this time. Ive acknowledged them for a long time now, and thus far Ive been really good at acknowledging them and then ignoring them by delving into my business, or other things. This time, Im allowing myself to actually begin to work through them, with the help of lots of loving individuals who have come into my life. Im realizing its not something I can go at alone. Im a good runner (metaphorically, I suck at running in real life!)...
We are about to step into another mercury retrograde, so I have a feeling my going within is about to get really deep. And I need to be okay with that. I think I fight healing sometimes, b/c it hurts. It hurts to think about these things, and to really see yourself. And b/c real change takes time. Sometimes lots of time.
Im also learning to be okay with my own disappointments. I was so excited to begin my 30 day challenge, and my first 365 photo challenge this month, and I have failed miserably with them both. And that is okay. It might disappoint some, but Im realizing I cant do it all. Facing these inner parts of myself can be draining, and there are some days where all I can do is get together the few orders I might have. So, Ill just pick back up my goals as I can, one day at a time.
I can only hope that this dark place underground, where my brown roots are all twisted up, is only a humble dwelling for what is to grow, and push up out of this ground once all the right nurturing is in place. This is where life begins.