7.12.2012

Balance >>>

*These beautiful clay art pieces above were made by Haydn Larson.  He used to be at several art fairs my parents did when I was growing up, and they became friends.  I now have several of his pieces that belonged to my parents.  These two are my favorites.  One day I would love to be the proud owner of his buddha statue.  He is a fine artist.*

Im in a period right now of being very off balance.  But its a journey I know I need to take, to find greater balance than I had before.  For several months now, I have sort of pushed aside going within, to any great depths.  Ive been fearful, to be honest, to do so.  It's been one year now since I lost my dad, to suicide, and 4 1/2 years since I lost my mom, to cancer.  There are days it still seems very surreal... like one day Im still going to wake up and see them.  But the more time goes on, the more the reality of that sets in.  Before I lost my dad, I felt like I was at a good place in my heart with losing my mom... but this event brought it all back in a new way.  And now we are going through the process of getting closer and closer to selling their home, the home I grew up in, and it feels like Im losing them all over again.

Im also beginning to dig deeper into all of the emotional effects it has really brought on me, among other things that have happened in these past 5 years.  I have alot of built up fears and anxieties that have come into my life during this time.  Ive acknowledged them for a long time now, and thus far Ive been really good at acknowledging them and then ignoring them by delving into my business, or other things.  This time, Im allowing myself to actually begin to work through them, with the help of lots of loving individuals who have come into my life.  Im realizing its not something I can go at alone.  Im a good runner (metaphorically, I suck at running in real life!)...

We are about to step into another mercury retrograde, so I have a feeling my going within is about to get really deep.  And I need to be okay with that.  I think I fight healing sometimes, b/c it hurts.  It hurts to think about these things, and to really see yourself.  And b/c real change takes time.  Sometimes lots of time.

Im also learning to be okay with my own disappointments.  I was so excited to begin my 30 day challenge, and my first 365 photo challenge this month, and I have failed miserably with them both.  And that is okay.  It might disappoint some, but Im realizing I cant do it all.  Facing these inner parts of myself can be draining, and there are some days where all I can do is get together the few orders I might have.  So, Ill just pick back up my goals as I can, one day at a time.  

I can only hope that this dark place underground, where my brown roots are all twisted up, is only a humble dwelling for what is to grow, and push up out of this ground once all the right nurturing is in place.  This is where life begins.

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28 comments:

  1. I love to say that all life begins in the dark. Seedlings and skin both nestle into the cradling womb of dark and begin the journey towards light.... But there is already life, even I'd they can't see through the darkness. Go with the flow dearest.... Life is a river; sometimes we can flow leisurely and take in the sights and do 30 day challenges.... Other times we are a raging torrent. Relax into it.... This brings a kind of harmony, even if it feels chaotic and blurry at times. Trust that you are cradled. Trust that you are held. So much love!!!!!

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    1. thank you for holding me, dear sweet friend.

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  2. healing is scary and it can hurt, it is easier to hide then heal....I have this same problem my love. And I am making some of the same steps. Sending you love and support.

    PS: what is the 30 day challenge you are doing?

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    1. kami, i was going to do a new 30 day challenge each month of my 30th year. so far, ive failed big time. but its okay. this month was smoothies. i was good for a week though!

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  3. I wish you the best of luck on your journey inward. I know I should be doing the same right now but I lack the strength to face some of my anxieties at the moment.

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    1. manda, some are really hard to face, and take years to even get to the place of allowing yourself to. in the right time, it will happen. give yourself the space to know when that is for you.

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  4. beautifully written. I am facing a similar healing journey, and it gives me a little peace and inspiration to know that even beyond the people in my daily life, there are like-minded people on this journey, too. You will face this healing with grace, I'm sure of it.

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    1. ahh, the beauty of the inter-webs... i feel the same way. i wish you the best on your journey too.

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  5. I really wish you well with your personal journey Laura. Sometimes our anxieties and fears do get the best of us and remove us from our goals in life but like you said, it is okay. I'm glad you know that it is okay not to always do the things we "think" we should be doing. Sometimes the best thing we can do is focus inward and work it out, however long it takes.
    My mom is battling breast cancer again for the second time in three years. I seems to haunt her body. Much like our own anxieties and fears do. We all have them and all need time to work on them and get to the light on the other side. You are loved and you will find the healing you need. I know it. <3 Margaret

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    1. margaret,

      im soooo truly sorry to hear about your mom. this breaks my heart. i hope she will be strong enough again to recover. send her nothing but love. and yourself during this time. be gently with yourself. sending healing prayers your way love.

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  6. Laura, I'm so fond of your blog and wanted to chime in here: You seem like such a (and forgive my goofy language!) beautifully integrated person in this space--you share with your readers your influences and inspirations and we get to see you as a woman made up of all of those pieces. And, of course, we get to see what you create and put out into the world, too--thereby influencing and inspiring others along the way. I struggle with integrating all of the pieces of myself that way (sometimes I feel like I can't fully be myself) and have had to work on coming to grips with some of the stuff I've hidden inside, so it's reassuring to me to see you doing similar work. It's a good reminder that none of us are ever really "done" with it! I hope that makes sense! Be well.

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    1. thank you sooooo much for this comment. wow. thank you. its so true, we are never done, any of us. there will always be more to learn about ourselves and the world and people around us. and trust me, some of the things im working on have been 10 years + in the making of needing attention. some things take real time... xo.

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  7. "I have a feeling my going within is about to get really deep. And I need to be okay with that." Goodness, I feel like I could have just typed that.

    Holding you in my thoughts while you dig up the weeds and sort through the growth.

    xo.

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    1. holding you too laura, and you weed your own garden. xo.

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  8. Remember the beautiful lotus flower springs forth into blossom out of the mud...

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  9. I wish you strength on your healing journey. Follow your heart, and I know life will offer all of its greatness to you.

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  10. Facing your fears is very hard...the fact that you are will reward you in ways you cannot imagine...You have faced so much tragedy at such a young age...healing takes time...be kind to yourself...I love what Rain said...Embrace whatever you are going through, it is where you need to be at that moment...it helps you move forward...

    ((((HUGS))))

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    1. i can only hope so. thank you linda. (that is my moms name :)

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  11. Having people alongside for your heart searching is important. I'm glad you have them. You have a brave heart.
    Catherine Denton

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  12. Laura, I found your blog through a class I'm taking. I just wanted to thank you so much for your beautiful writing. I especially loved this line: "Im also learning to be okay with my own disappointments." I recently did a free write on disappointment and it revealed so much to me about how I can find freedom in simply accepting my own missteps and disappointments. Your post today was like a hand on my back, nudging me to that ongoing place of accepting the truth of my life. Thank you for your openness and courage.

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    1. oh sherry, thank you for sharing. you are so welcome. i love this.

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  13. wow darlin' your honesty and openness is admirable. I believe you are on the right path. Be gentle with yourself as you are. The very little I know seems real special. Your craft and creations are inspiring and moving. All we can do as caring, sensitive beings is have the courage to see ourselves for who we are and embrace our challenges as they do indeed make us who we are...sometimes inspiring courage in others just when they may need it. and yes Thank you for your brave real expression of you and your journey!!! Blessings sweet sister!

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    1. thank you!! this makes my heart so happy to read. sometimes having little affirmations from souls around the world is so encouraging. sometimes the path ahead of us seems scary when its foggy and clouded with things your not sure of... im am trying hard to see myself as i am in this moment. xo

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  14. Watching you grow is one of the most wonderful things to bear witness to. Thank you for allowing me in your life. Who knew that an etsy purchase a few years ago would lead to this friendship we have now. The universe is mysterious in the way she works.

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  15. oh katelyn, i couldnt agree more!!! likewise all the way around!

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Thank you so much for your sweet comments!