The Life Within

An Ode to my Mother

"Breast Cancer"

I did this portrait a week or so ago, for my mom.

I feel like I have been on a mental and emotional rollercoaster for a few months now. Learning, growing, expanding in so many ways, from my mothers death. Connecting with people on a much deeper level. Inspired to do great things. At the same time feeling held back. Wanting to burst. Wanting to scream. My head is full. Reaching its capacity for normalcy. Headfirst into the fires of another way.

Another Image:

The Life Withi

feeling my sense of self.

and its okay.



If I were a Bluebird

I wonder what it is like to be a bird. To be able to fly high and low all in the same breath. To have your feet touch the earth, then soar above the treetops, allowing the wind to capture you in a moment of total loss of control, but by willingly going with it, it carries you along. To sing when you are not sleeping.

I wonder what it is like to be stream. Seemingly so insignificant, so subtle. Yet so powerful, and so resourceful. Being the one thing that can shape the existence of a stone. The healing power you can hold even for a human being to be next to. To be so simple and elemental and to have such a sense of amazement on something so complex as a human.

Just as a human sometimes wishes they were a bird, I wonder if a bird wishes they were a stream. Maybe a stream wishes to be a butterfly. Or maybe it is just humans who wish to be something they are not. What if all else around us is perfectly content being just what they are, and that in itself is what brings us such delight when we look upon them. There is an underlying peace to just ‘be’.

I am finding my heart all tangled up lately. I miss my mom so much. I can find my self comfortable doing what I am doing. My new job, its okay, ive only don’t it a few times, so I cant really judge yet. Its nice to be able to help people that I love, Bird & Jason, not the customers. So far, I have definitely seen that the majority of people don’t give a shit about a waitress, no matter how nice you are. I really don’t want this job to kill my spirit of people. I know its all in how I take. I just wish I knew what I was doing, like before. I hope I find something that inspires me to wake up in the morning. Something that doesn’t just feel like I am doing it because I need the money to pay the bills.

It will come.

I miss my dad too. Life keeps happening, like it always does. Now that I am not going to the shop everyday, or really at all, I don’t see him as much either. And for some reason we haven’t found much time to make for each other. My friends also. I haven’t seen Shelley and Elisabeth at all in a while! What the hell is happening. I just feel lost in a whirlwind of decisions, and nothing seems quite right.

Ive had the flu for the past few days. Im getting over it now. Gosh, it was aweful. First time getting really sick and not being able to call my mom. James took good care of me. I am out in tarpley pet sitting again. I love it out here. The birds are amazing, they are hanging out with me right now.

James got a new neurologist. He seems really good. We are changing his meds for the first time in 13 years. I am praying that it will help with his fatigue. He is tired all the time. Way more tired than he should be. I am worried about his health. I am going to try my hardest to learn how to cook veggies and things that he doesn’t like in a way that maybe he will. I get scared of him getting sick when we are our parents age, or even younger. I have been reading and learning a lot about health and nutrition, and cant help but feel the importance and impact it can make on our lives. Not even just for us, but for our children and their children. It is that important to me.

I am watching a bluebird nest. Outside the window, piece by piece, she is building her nest. It is starting to feel like spring time outside, i guess its time for action among the animals. I love it when things start buzzing around outside. James saw a huge boar on his way home the other day, so Ive been to scarred to go take a walk, i dont want to see a boar! Well, I do, just not alone!

Do you ever feel like you are looking too hard into something that you see right through what it is you are suppose to be seeing? I have a feeling I am doing that right. Ahhh, oh well.

I am feeling quite random.

I blew my nose so much that my top lip is chapped, ha ha!

I love the movie, 'Life as a House'.

I miss my husband. I miss our drives in the country. I miss feeling free. I miss laughing. I miss kicking back with friends.

I just feel a hole inside me right now. And no its not in my love life. i love my husband to death. Its my mom. I just miss her.

I love you mom.



A moment to reflect.

My mother passed away on Jan. 25th. Already almost a month. That's so crazy. I miss her so much. I still cant believe that I have to live the rest of my life without her in it. At least not physically. I dont even like to think about it, but that is reality.

I keep wanting to call her. So many things in life are changing, its crazy. We have decided to not keep the jewelry business. So I have been fretting about what I going to do for a job for the past few weeks. But i finally decided to get a job at the Grotto waiting tables. Something I never thought I would do. Not because I feel above that, more so I thought I wouldnt be cut out to do something like that. But Ive worked two shifts now, so I know I can do it. It is alot of work, not only do we wait on customers, we clean, buss tables, wash dishes, prep the food, ring the customer up, open and close the restaurant, etc, etc, etc...Not like a normal heavily staffed restaurant where there are people to do all the extra stuff. So, if any wants to come eat at the Grotto thursday, friday, or saturday night, i can be your waitress! (you just better tip really good!)

My mom always told me that everyone should be a waitress at least once in there life, so I feel like I am fulfilling something by doing this. I know she would be proud of me right now. She would probably want to take my place. She always said she wanted to quit the business and go wait tables again, at 52 years old! She is crazy. She wanted to do so many things in this life. She wanted to be everywhere and see everyone. She just loved life, and all that it had to offer. She never complained about things. She always just did what she had to do, no matter how tired she was.

Even in the end, when she was so sick. She cared more about all of us, the family, than her own pain, which was tremendous I know. She still smiled, and did everything she could to be a part of anything that was going on. She was just so freakin caring. I am so lucky to have had her as my mother. If everyone in the world had someone like her in their life the world would definately be a better place.

I have to stop and write later, its too much at the moment.

I love all of you, my dearest friends.



My mother

Well, I havent been online much lately, so I havent given an update on my mom. Since the last blog about finding her cancer, we have found out sooo much more. Her cancer is not only in her bones, it is in her liver, gallbladder, pancreas, lymph nodes of the lungs, and both sides of her brain. And not just a spot here and there, it is large masses. She is not going to live, and will only be with us for a few more months, if that. I am so sad that she has to be in pain or be sick while she is dying. We are keeping the pain under control with lots of morphine. But she will still have to go through so much to make it to the end. But I am staying right by her side everyday. I dont want to miss a conversation or a smile. She is my world, my best friend, we are two of a kind. I am going to miss her so terribly much. I have to keep myself from thinking about how much I will miss her right now, it hurts so bad. I am in a super care-giving mode right now. All I can do is be with her, make her comfortable, make her smile, tell her how much I love her, and feel blessed for each more moment with her. I am so thankful that we have this time with her to say anything that needs to be said.

I have many people that I need to call back, if I havent called you I am sorry. Ive been pretty busy out at my moms everyday. She will probably want more visitors next week. This week she has had alot of nausea and it makes her uncomfortable to be around people. We are hoping to get that under control soon.

I want to thank everyone who has lending a hand or an ear or a hug. I love you all so much. I have amazing people in my life and am soooo blessed to have you. I will try to update more often if I can.

Lots of Love,