After reading my friend Melissa's post from Bubby and Bean this morning, it reminded me of this post I never posted... Although I feel like Im very open and honest on my blog already... there are still many fears of my own that I have not really touched on. Ive written alot about the death of my parents and all of the emotions that has brought me over the past few years, and I have even mentioned how it has affected me in my decisions about child bearing, but Ive yet to go in depth with it. I think I finally will today.
All of these images below excite me when I think of motherhood... You can find them all, along with more on my Adorable Littles & Motherhood board on pinterest.
Since I can remember, Ive always loved children. Especially when they get old enough to play and be silly. Ive have always been a bit scared of babies. I think they are magnificent and could stare at them and hold them all day, but they still have always scared me. Ive always been told its just b/c its not 'my' baby. And that fear will go away when I have my own. All of my friends kids are just my favorite little people on this planet. My heart melts everytime Im around them... to the point I could almost forget everyone else around me and just be with them. They just have a way of making my heart burst with sweetness. When James and I were getting married, the having children talks began. We both knew we wanted to have kids, and even had them named before we got married. Then just 4 months after we got married, my mom passed away from cancer. It took our happy beginnings and pretty much threw them into an emotional whirlwind that lasted almost 2 years. Before I knew it, the idea of kids scared the crap out of me, thinking about having them without having my mother around. I always imagined my kids going to grammy's house, taking nature walks and hunting for deer rocks, gardening, talking to the birds, singing... so much my mom would of done with them. And I kind of couldnt even bare the thought of my kids never even knowing their grammy, the biggest influence of my life. As I write this, Im writing in past tense, and realizing it needs to be in present tense b/c Im tearing up as I type, which means its still ever so present in my heart. So, this is where my big emotional block started from. But there is so much more that goes along with it...
Im scared to death of actually giving birth. I know I have a pretty low tolerance for certain pain... I get bad periods sometimes where I think Im going to throw up and pass out. And I never hesitate to take pain meds when I get them. I would ultimately want to have an at home water birth, but I fear Im too much of a wuss to do it. All I know is that I dont want to be in a hospital. But then, I have all of my family telling me I must be in the hospital, which makes my confidence of a home birth go way down. I also fear the pregnancy part. The being tired all the time, not being able to work. I guess the not knowing how it will be. I know plenty of girls who do just fine, but I always think the worst, like Im going to be the girl in the bathroom all day throwing up, ha ha. Which is my least favorite thing to do in the world!
I also think wayyyyy ahead and fear having teenagers, ha ha. Which Im sure every mom does. And I also think way ahead, thinking something tragic is going to happen leaving either James or I alone as a single parent. That's crazy thinking isnt it??? After losing both my parents, its given me a deep seed of knowing people die, and you never know when. It scares me. Alot. I also worry about the fact that I run a busy business and I dont want to be the mom that works all the time, even though I am home. Which is kind of ironic, b/c one of the biggest reasons I started this at home business is that so one day I could be a stay at home mom, running my own business, with my kids at home.
I think I just have alot of fear within me. And Ive talked to several friends and have had lots of advice on letting these things go. I know they are all kind of silly. And the few times I have touched on this subject here, Ive had so many sweet comments from you guys with such reassuring words... and the fear still remains. Sometimes I get the feeling to just be brave and go for it. My hubby and I have kind of released the idea of holding on to the time reigns. When it happens it happens. I wish I could just make this feeling go away, and go at it with excitement. I have friends who are just dying to have a baby, and I always wonder why I dont have that feeling. Is it natural to not have that feeling? Is it because of what Ive faced, or is it just me? I have lots of questions about it. I think Ive been running from it for a very long time. So, maybe this is me beginning to really face it. My biggest wish is to have my mom by my side. But that is never going to happen. So... its up to me to find some peace within myself about this. I envy women who embrace it so naturally, so beautifully. I really do.
PEACE,
Laura
oh sweet you...
ReplyDeleteso proud of you for feeling the fears and not dismissing them, because they are your reality. your truth and you honor truth and yourself by staying present and allowing them to BE. i don't have wildly amazing words, just that i hear you and support you and will sit with you around this fire and we can be silent or beat our drums and dance, and somehow the answers will come when the time is ripe. i just watched a documentary today that changed my life and i bawled through it, and will probably watch again many times. it doesn't address the things you've written here specifically but i feel compelled to share it because it does touch on many other things that perhaps provide the framework, the bones, of all of our soul-journey steps. loving you today, brave and beautiful you.
http://www.cultureunplugged.com/documentary/watch-online/play/7972/Dancing-in-the-Flames
This is a great post, Laura. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. I sooo did not want to have kids, at least not when it happened. I kind of fell into it, and had no chance to really process any of it. My husband's parents both died, leaving the two of us with his 9-year old sister. I was 22 and in college. I was terrified, but what can you do? A couple weeks later, we got married, and a couple months later I was pregnant. I freaked completely. Your fears are completely natural, everyone has fears about the unknown, especially when it comes to kids. When you've been a child or watched a child go through losing a parent, you can help but think about that a lot. You're going to be amazing, just like your mom was, I just know it. And try not to be too scared, none of us knows what the heck we're doing :)
ReplyDeletexo, Mandy
Oh Laura. You just need love and all of the other big scary stuff will not seem nearly as bad when it arrives at you. It's FAR scarier to think about than to live through it. I am not a natural parent. I'm not a "baby person". I LOVE my three... am not particularly loving the 16 yr old attitude and sense of entitlement or the 6 year old girly moodyness and whining and I'm always wondering what Jonah is going to destroy next but I love them all the same. Life might be easier and more calm and quiet without them but certainly not better. It's loud and crazy and unpredictable but you learn to roll with the punches pretty quickly. You'll figure out how to fit your life as you knew it around them for the most part. You will be tired but loved. I don't know of anyone that I have more confidence in taking this step that you. I've seen you talk about the little ones you cross paths with and share your life with. I've seen the loving photos of them that you take and I remember SO vividly the interaction between you and my (then)5 year old shy quiet little boy. He opened up to you like nobody else back then. You are amazing in all that you do even with your doubts and history. You are surrounded by love and people who will help you through even though your mom can't be with you. The close relationship you had with her will help to guide you through. You and James will be amazing parents. It is big and scary and the more you think about it, the bigger and scarier it will become. It'll be like when my kids have to get shots. They are so nervous and afraid and are SO scared when they see the nurse they are almost in tears and then when it's over EVERY time they say.... "that wasn't so bad. It hardly even hurt." There will be discomforts and difficulties along the way and labor DOES hurt for sure but your mind goes to some other place and there are things you can do to make it not quite so bad... and those are not the memories that stay with you. Promise. Good luck.... I know if you choose to grow your family will be fantastic at it.
ReplyDeleteWow, we have so much in common when it comes to the fears of pregnancy and child birth! Hence, why I adopted :)
ReplyDeleteYou will be an amazing mother someday Laura.
xo
janel
This post is pretty much all of the same reasons why the thought of motherhood simultaneously scares the beejeezus outta me and makes me want it so badly. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to miss your mom, and wish she was here to hold her grandbabies (even the furry kind). It's okay to be unsure. I know from your posts that you are surround by so many who love you so much, that no matter your ultimate decision on having babies, your children will not have a lack of love.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog...
ReplyDeleteWords of wisdom I learned early on in my adult journey: Depression means you're living in the past. Anxiety means you're living in the future. Serenity means your living in the moment.
Don't let the future scare you. I remember when my husband first talked about having a baby-the fear is REAL. For us, it was a scary matter in terms of if my body was ready for such a feat (I'm young, and very very thin), if we could even afford it (we're both full-time college students, my husband is Pre-Med)...etc etc...I too was SO scared about morning sickness and all the aches and pains that come with pregnancy, the infamous birthing process that could literally tear your body apart, and then just the idea of raising an actual human being...it's a lot to take in.
But I can assure you, the joy and peace that has come from just living in the moment-right here, right now- far outweighs the fear I felt earlier.
Right now, I am 21 weeks pregnant, still going to school full-time, and working part-time. Right now, as I type this, I can feel my future SON kicking and moving inside me. These moments are well worth the three months I spent hunched over a toilet. These moments are of far greater worth to me than the idea of painful child-birth or raising a crazy teenager. And I am sure as my pregnancy progresses, I will find more moments to live in that will fill me with peace because I am there-the present is what I can control, not worrying about whats to comes, and grudging over all that has happened.
Laura, Stay in the moment. Be fearless. Feel peace.
Oh Laura, I see these fears as completely normal. Even those Moms who are dying to get pregnant, have fears. I know, because I was one of them. I think having your Mom gone is a huge part of struggling through this. It's not the way you wanted it to be; it's the death of a dream.
ReplyDeleteBut others will come alongside you. Of course they will never replace your Mom, but they can steady you in the parenting journey. I've surrounded myself with moms I admire to draw from their wisdom. My opinion, when it's time, you'll be an incredible mother. Look how precious you are with Violet and Bella!
Thanks for being brave in sharing your fears. I love that about you!
Catherine Denton
Hi Laura,
ReplyDeleteI'm mostly a lurker around your beautiful blog, but this post has me wanting to offer my thoughts. I see the other comments thus far reassuring you that you'll be a wonderful mother someday, when you're ready--but I want to tell you (and other women) that it's okay if you're never ready. If you decide that being a mother isn't for you. I'm a groovy, bohemian, earth mother type of gal myself, and it was hard for me to admit that, while I love nurturing the people and animals around me, I don't actually want to be anyone's mother. It just isn't something I feel a desire for, in the way that I think one should to take that journey. I'm 31 now, and it seems like everyone I know is pregnant. I think they don't understand me, or why I'm not sharing their feelings about motherhood. Sometimes that gets me down, but my path feels so very right for me that I try to let those uncomfortable moments pass me by.
I just wanted to offer my two cents! Be well as you figure out what's right for you.
When I get scared (and I mean really scared) I always sing this verse from Tenth Ave North "Fear is just a lie, so open up your eyes." It always makes me feel better. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
i'm not a mom either (yet), but your fears are legit. i have experienced most of these feelings too. :) it's all okay.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am not 'dying to have a baby.' In fact, I've never wanted kids, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. There's so much pressure to be a mother around us -- pressure from friends and family, pressure from society and religion. There is even pressure here on this page in comments from women saying that giving birth is what we're 'supposed' to do, as if not doing so would make us sinners.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to discourage you from having children, but I want you to really look deep inside your heart and be sure that having children is something that you even want to do. I don't know you well (or even a little), but I consider myself a feminist and truly believe that women should do what they feel is best for them personally. I encourage you to think through why you're having these fears, and don't feel rushed to figure it out.
... a big ♥ to you!
ReplyDeleteHi, Laura! By way of introduction, I wanted to let you know that I found you via the feature that Emily did at the Anna Delores blog. Your jewelry is gorgeous, and your blog has the aesthetic that makes me feel at home! I think I will stay a while and browse around... Meanwhile, I wanted to drop you a note and let you know, from the bottom of my heart, that all the mixed feelings are very normal and acceptable. I wanted a home waterbirth, but midwives are illegal in my neck of the woods and I didn't want to be alone. I educated myself about birth and became a natural birth advocate, even though the process seemed so frightening. I told everyone, "I am more scared of being a mother than giving birth to this baby," and rightfully so. Motherhood is terrifying. It is also beautiful, and fulfilling and wonderful... it's life. And life is not perfect, and sometimes it's messy and we make mistakes along the way. But it's so worth it! Good luck to you, no matter what you choose. =)
ReplyDeletewhen the time is right, i'm sure you will know, & then you can embrace the possibility. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so young, and you have so much time to deal with your emotional breaktrhoughs... I think that first of all you are the most important thing in your life and motherhood shouldn't be a choice based on other feelings or goals...I don't know you, I don'thave the right, but I just think it is not the time yet.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, if u feel the time is approaching you should trust your instincts...generally the best choices in our life are preceded by fear! It won't be easy, specially nowdays, but moms are usually made of stone!
ReplyDeletei too do not feel the pull to be a mom. i have never ever felt comfortable with babies/young children, and still to this day do not understand why people gush over them when they are in the room. i do not want to go thru pregnancy and the actual birth of having a child, it all feels very foreign to me. i don't think that i was a parent in many of my past lives, and i think this may be why i feel this way. i have within this last week been confronted about when am i going to have a baby just so others can buy it cute little things. i can't ever do anything that i have felt pressured to do and that infact makes me want to do something even less. my freedom to use my time as i want to is number one on my list of priorities and knowing that i will have to give up a huge part of that freedom for someone else is something i don't feel that i want to do either. i too have had others tell me 'it's different when it's your own...', but i'm proud of myself for knowing how strongly i feel about this topic of motherhood before i jump into it. all i hear is opinions from others about what i should be doing as a woman and how i should be going about it, but those people that are freely throwing their opinions at me are not going to be there day in day out giving up their time and energy and fully changing their lifestyle for a child that they want me to have so badly. i hear ya laura on all of your questions/concerns/fears about motherhood. my intuition is strongly telling me that even tho i am surrounded by women older and younger than me who are over-the-moon thrilled to have their children, and the pressures of when/why do i not have any yet, has made me realize that i am flat out not ready. the guilt that i feel from others questioning me and pressuring me into it leaves me so confused and i spend hours a day throwing the idea of motherhood around in my head. but at the end of the day i know that i am more ready to move/buy a new car/get a new pet etc., than have a baby right now. i have been struggling with this for years and have just finally allowed myself to accept that not having a child now/ever may indeed make others feel sad or may not be what the rest of society would think is right, but all i can break it down to is when the timing is right i will know. just as when i knew the timing was right to move away from home, who i should date, when to get married, where to buy a house. all of those things took time and a time did come where i just knew, and it happend. if the feeling of knowing the timing is right for having a baby never comes to me, i am honestly ok with that, because i know that if i did it right now without being fully ready i would be doing it for others and for all of the wrong reasons. i am finally accepting that this is one area of my life that i am just going to have to wait to see how it all plays out. and if my answers to others questions about when am i going to have kids isn't what they want to hear, i will no longer allow their guilt to make me feel bad and use up any more of my energy and time debating this topic over and over in my head, when my gut instinct is very strongly saying 'not now'.
ReplyDeletethank you so much everyone for your own thoughts! since ive had a few comments with concern on this... i wanted to make it clear that i definitely DO want to have a child. James and I both want to become parents together and talk about it often. We both just have been scared, for different reasons, and its taking time for those old wounds to heal and to push away the fear. We keep getting to points where we think we are ready... and then we get scared again. So, its not a question of whether or not we want to have kids at all, its just a matter of dealing with my fears in a real and healthy way. I think writing it all out was a big first step instead of keeping it in my head and within conversations with friends.
ReplyDeletelaura, in your heart you will def know what to do... being a mom is great responsible but its so warming at the same time... iam a mom of 3 beautiful chidren, and know everything i do is for them, i also work part time in a reg job, part time here on etsy, and then of course mommy duty.. but my hubby is also a great help... i couldnt picture my life with out my kids... and i do feel scared at times for them, and hat might happen but that is part of life... my oldest is a teen, 13 that is and acts like shes 15 already...
ReplyDeleteyou will know when your ready and you will be the best. good luck with everything...
I can understand a lot of the things that you mentioned. I never wanted kids till I was 30 (really never ever). All of a sudden I wanted a child. I was with my ex at the time & we broke up. I met my hubby less than a year after we broke up. We both wanted kids at that point. I planned on having 2. So 5 months after we got married I got pregnant. To be honest I hated being pregnant. I was working full-time, 36 years old & so tired. We were getting ready to move & 2 people at my job left, so I was stuck doing way too much work to be able to handle. I was so stressed out with everything & was having anxiety attacks. I finally quit work 2 months before my daughter was born. Giving birth was horrible (being honest. For me it was horrible). I was in labor for 24 hrs & pushed for almost 4 hrs. So after all of that I decided to not have another child. But each year I think maybe I can do it again. I'm thinking of trying again at the end of the month (I make the mistake of telling my hubby that I think I want to get preg again & then chicken out & go back on the pill. He gets so excited before I chicken out). But it's a fear like you have. I've already been through it & it was horrible, but they say each preg is different. I think way too much, worry a lot & try to plan things. It sounds like you are the same way. I think we do need to learn to just go with it & try not too worry & think so much. Things all work out in the end. I will be 42 in June, so that's another reason that I have fears. Will I be able to get preg, will I have a miscarriage etc.. You are young & have time to feel ready.
ReplyDeleteI loved the post the Melissa wrote, and I'm so glad you decided to write one too. You are always really honest and I love that about your blog, but I'm glad you were extra inspired to share even more : ]
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I can't really comment on the actual content of this post. I have had no real thoughts of child-bearing beyond "I want to have kids some day for sure!" and "I know I'm going to need the drugs..." That's about it. So I don't really want to give you an un-educated response, because I just don't know enough, but I do want to say these 2 things:
1. You never know what will happen or how things will go (and this concerns every area of life of course) unless you try.
2. Maybe you need a baby to "finish" healing. A new person to love unconditionally and take care of and worry over. And you can still teach and share all the things your parent taught you to him/her. Even though he/she will never meet your parents, they'll still know who they were because of you.
I think in the end when you are ready, you'll know. And when you bring a new life into the world, you'll take things in stride and adapt as you go along--just like everyone does, every day, in every area of their lives. : ]
(P.S.--You can do it!) ; ]
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI feel every pregnancy, whether it's your first, second, third, etc, is a journey in and of itself. And they each have varying shades of fear, anxiety, happiness, and joy colored by your current circumstances, what you've been through and where you currently are. I cried both times I read my pregnancy test, even though I wanted to have my babies, I was scared of what I didn't know and what was to come. I think that's why it takes 10 months, it's a process to go through, like your other major life changes you've been through.
ReplyDeleteI can empathize with you going through motherhood without your mama, I would imagine there would be many bittersweet moments for you, but the joy a baby brings does temper some of the sorrow. And showing your little one who your mama was by singing to them the songs your mom did, or showing them things she showed you, will bring your heart gladness.
When the time comes to choose where you want to have your baby, you will just have to become your own advocate and make the decision what's best for you and your baby, whether at home or at the hospital.
You have the strength and you will find it when your time is right <3
just fyi: having kids and breastfeeding them = less periods. awesome, right? :)
ReplyDeleteGrr. Third time trying to post this. Something's up with my account...
ReplyDeleteI loved the post the Melissa wrote, and I'm so glad you decided to write one too. You are always really honest and I love that about your blog, but I'm glad you were extra inspired to share even more : ]
With that said, I can't really comment on the actual content of this post. I have had no real thoughts of child-bearing beyond "I want to have kids some day for sure!" and "I know I'm going to need the drugs..." That's about it. So I don't really want to give you an un-educated response, because I just don't know enough, but I do want to say these 2 things:
1. You never know what will happen or how things will go (and this concerns every area of life of course) unless you try.
2. Maybe you need a baby to "finish" healing. A new person to love unconditionally and take care of and worry over. And you can still teach and share all the things your parent taught you to him/her. Even though he/she will never meet your parents, they'll still know who they were because of you.
I think in the end when you are ready, you'll know. And when you bring a new life into the world, you'll take things in stride and adapt as you go along--just like everyone does, every day, in every area of their lives, because it's all you can do. : ]
(P.S.--You can do it!) ; ]
I can imagine how you are feeling (though I know, not exactly), and how tough this all must be for you.
ReplyDeleteJust know that we're all pulling for you, whether we know you personally or not. I wish I had something more insightful to say or contribute, but I've always believed that feelings count more than the words we try to express them with - Sending you love and hugs and sincere compassion <3
My boyfriend & I have been talking about similar concerns with having children lately. We both desperately want to have children...one day, and we feel like there is a lot of pressure on us to do it NOW. We just want to take some time to get used to the idea of looking after someone, and placing that little person ahead of ourselves, you know?
ReplyDeleteI haven't lost a parent myself, but the idea of something happening to either of us & our future children having to grow up alone scares me too. I know that you & James will be amazing parents, when you are ready. These things take time. Xo.
I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure you don't need to listen to everyone who is telling you that you have to have your baby in a hospital. You might want to watch a documentary called The Business of Being Born. You would be an amzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing mother!
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely watch The Business Of Being Born if you haven't already seen it! Such an inspiring and eye opening documentary. You'll see in it one woman who planned to have a home birth but (I can't remember exactly what had happened) instead had to deliver in the hospital very very soon before the baby came. They are trained to determine, based on the circumstances, whether or not it is safe to deliver at home, and can most often tell far beyond the actual due date if you are a good candidate for home births. As for the pain, I'm not a mother myself so have not been through it, but the euphoric looks you see on these women's faces who deliver without drugs and in their own environments, appears to outweigh the passing pain. You will get through your fears and anxieties you feel now, whether home birth or hospital, it's just going to make it that much sweeter!! Good luck to you and I enjoy your blog so much! :)
ReplyDeleteLaura, girl! Your fears aren't misplaced and they are common (I think) among most women who are not mommies already. I even think some ladies who have children are still fearful of those very things... but fear shouldn't control us or direct us. It should empower us to change our mind and make our lives so that fear is not involved in such a heavy way.
ReplyDeleteI promise that for over 10 years I never wanted kids. EVER EVER EVER. I didn't like them, they annoyed me in just about every public place and I just hated the idea of turning into a parent that I didn't want to be... such fears kept me from being a mother for a very very long time. My current pregnancy was unplanned and for a minute I think it was unwanted. I didn't want to sacrifice my life or time to something that my hurt me or hate me as they grow up.
But, I've realized this far (which isn't very far) but, no matter what, things are going to be just fine. Women in the 30's had home births, women in the 50's had happy healthy babies, women in the 70's gave birth to brilliant and beautiful babies and there is no reason why we can't all have the same pleasure and joy.
Sure.... labor will probably be hard. But that will be the "easy" part of the "hard" .... I imagine my little girl approaching me about "where do babies come from" and "why am I bleeding from my crotch" questions and being frazzled and freaked out at such things and try to explain them... you just have to hold on to everything you've learned and know that it will all be okay. You have a wonderful support system and you seem like you a very secure with who you are as a person.
Just remember to take it one day at a time... and if you want that baby then maybe becoming pregnant by "accident" might be the next step. ;) Besides... once you're pregnant there is no turning back. It's really exciting Laura and I hope you get to experience the thrill of it all.
It is hard, but it IS worth it. :)
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a lot of fear about having kids too. It makes it really hard when my sister wants to have a huge family and I go to school where all the girls expect to have kids some time in the future. While everyone tells me that I would be a great mom, I just don't think that I have it in me. I don't really like babies,because I feel like if I do something wrong, they will cry. And then I think, "Oh no, I've hurt it. I fail as a mom." I have a lot of reasons and I think that's its ok to want to wait until your comfortable or even just not have kids if that's what is supposed to happen.
ReplyDelete~Brit
www.brittany-sims.com
I totally get what you're saying. I'm 26 and not sure if I ever want children. I'm not sure if that's 'natural' or if I'll grow out of that feeling but right now I'm Ok with it. Maybe give it some time and let things happen organically.... <3
ReplyDeleteMy sweet friend, I could have written so much of this post myself because I share so many of the same fears. I think it was incredibly brave, awesome and honest of you to share all of this, and reading it made me feel less alone. I think the fact that you have the fears you do also proves what an amazing, caring mother you will be. Thank you too for sharing the link to my post. :). I love you!
ReplyDeletei resonate with so much of what you shared. my hubby and i have been married for 4 years and are contemplating having some babies soon. :) i, too, fear being the chick throwing up in the bathroom (and delivering a baby FREAKS ME OUT!!!!!!)
ReplyDeletethanks for being honest and transparent. xoxo
Know you aren't along in these fears, a lot of women feel very much the same on some, if not all of these points. I think fear of birth is put into us by our culture, its depictions in TV and film, but if you're a healthy women its not something you have to fear. Women are made to give birth.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest the documentary "The Business of Being Born" it's really great information and shows both sides, perfect home deliveries and the fact that you need to be prepared to go to hospital if things don't go as planned.
Be confident in yourself, your body and your instincts!
Good luck in making this decision!
I think the fears you're having are completely normal. I don't think any mother faces the birth of a child without some fears, no matter how natural it looks to those of us on the outside. And yes, it is completely natural to not be dying to have a baby. The time may come when you change your mind, and if that happens, its the right time for you to become a parent. My husband and I have been trying for two years to have a baby, and when we found out that we were finally expecting, fear set in after the initial excitement wore off. I am worried that I won't be a good parent, that I'll never get my body back, and that my life won't be the same anymore. I don't think those fears go away after we have children, they just evolve into new fears.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the time you have with it just being you and your husband! You have every right to feel the way you do. :)
it's okay to be scared Laura, most of us have fear in our lives, you more so than others due to circumstances. I'm 34 & don't have children but every other weekend I'm 'mum' to a teenager (she just turned 13!)& yep, it's scary, but I enjoy it, it's a learning curve. I'm sure that one day you'll be a great mum.
ReplyDeleteWhat a brave post. It is very courageous to stand in your path and see it for what it is. I had four pregnancies, they where each hard. Four labors one unmedicated, it was very painful, hard recoveries and postpartum depression and anxieties. Each baby made all of it worth it. I know cliche but it is true. The fear you feel is your head, and though it feels so real its not. (I have been there) Sit with that fear as you would a friend, honor it and then let it go. Your baby will find you when you are ready and what a lucky baby it will be. love to you Laura.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Liz, who said it's okay if you're never ready to have kids. I used to hate it when people made me feel like I was wrong for not having the desire to be a mom. I love my nieces and nephew to the end of the Earth, but I never wanted to be pregnant, go through childbirth, and then have a baby to take care of.
ReplyDeleteThen, something happened. I'm 32 years old now, and after being married for 8+ months (and being with him for over four years), I just woke up one day ready for a baby. It's weird how fast it happened. I guess I just decided I wanted to give it a try.
I'm newly pregnant, only 6 weeks along. Instead of being scared and worried, like I thought I'd be, I'm actually really excited. I know my husband will make a good father. The things in our lives that aren't perfect right now can only get better. I'm keeping a positive outlook.
So don't feel bad that you have your fears, because things can change overnight. Just take your time working on your heart. When you're sure you're ready, things have a way of working out.
You're a sweetie.
~Sabrina