After reading my friend Melissa's post from Bubby and Bean this morning, it reminded me of this post I never posted... Although I feel like Im very open and honest on my blog already... there are still many fears of my own that I have not really touched on. Ive written alot about the death of my parents and all of the emotions that has brought me over the past few years, and I have even mentioned how it has affected me in my decisions about child bearing, but Ive yet to go in depth with it. I think I finally will today.
All of these images below excite me when I think of motherhood... You can find them all, along with more on my Adorable Littles & Motherhood board on pinterest.
Since I can remember, Ive always loved children. Especially when they get old enough to play and be silly. Ive have always been a bit scared of babies. I think they are magnificent and could stare at them and hold them all day, but they still have always scared me. Ive always been told its just b/c its not 'my' baby. And that fear will go away when I have my own. All of my friends kids are just my favorite little people on this planet. My heart melts everytime Im around them... to the point I could almost forget everyone else around me and just be with them. They just have a way of making my heart burst with sweetness. When James and I were getting married, the having children talks began. We both knew we wanted to have kids, and even had them named before we got married. Then just 4 months after we got married, my mom passed away from cancer. It took our happy beginnings and pretty much threw them into an emotional whirlwind that lasted almost 2 years. Before I knew it, the idea of kids scared the crap out of me, thinking about having them without having my mother around. I always imagined my kids going to grammy's house, taking nature walks and hunting for deer rocks, gardening, talking to the birds, singing... so much my mom would of done with them. And I kind of couldnt even bare the thought of my kids never even knowing their grammy, the biggest influence of my life. As I write this, Im writing in past tense, and realizing it needs to be in present tense b/c Im tearing up as I type, which means its still ever so present in my heart. So, this is where my big emotional block started from. But there is so much more that goes along with it...
Im scared to death of actually giving birth. I know I have a pretty low tolerance for certain pain... I get bad periods sometimes where I think Im going to throw up and pass out. And I never hesitate to take pain meds when I get them. I would ultimately want to have an at home water birth, but I fear Im too much of a wuss to do it. All I know is that I dont want to be in a hospital. But then, I have all of my family telling me I must be in the hospital, which makes my confidence of a home birth go way down. I also fear the pregnancy part. The being tired all the time, not being able to work. I guess the not knowing how it will be. I know plenty of girls who do just fine, but I always think the worst, like Im going to be the girl in the bathroom all day throwing up, ha ha. Which is my least favorite thing to do in the world!
I also think wayyyyy ahead and fear having teenagers, ha ha. Which Im sure every mom does. And I also think way ahead, thinking something tragic is going to happen leaving either James or I alone as a single parent. That's crazy thinking isnt it??? After losing both my parents, its given me a deep seed of knowing people die, and you never know when. It scares me. Alot. I also worry about the fact that I run a busy business and I dont want to be the mom that works all the time, even though I am home. Which is kind of ironic, b/c one of the biggest reasons I started this at home business is that so one day I could be a stay at home mom, running my own business, with my kids at home.
I think I just have alot of fear within me. And Ive talked to several friends and have had lots of advice on letting these things go. I know they are all kind of silly. And the few times I have touched on this subject here, Ive had so many sweet comments from you guys with such reassuring words... and the fear still remains. Sometimes I get the feeling to just be brave and go for it. My hubby and I have kind of released the idea of holding on to the time reigns. When it happens it happens. I wish I could just make this feeling go away, and go at it with excitement. I have friends who are just dying to have a baby, and I always wonder why I dont have that feeling. Is it natural to not have that feeling? Is it because of what Ive faced, or is it just me? I have lots of questions about it. I think Ive been running from it for a very long time. So, maybe this is me beginning to really face it. My biggest wish is to have my mom by my side. But that is never going to happen. So... its up to me to find some peace within myself about this. I envy women who embrace it so naturally, so beautifully. I really do.