Today (and the last few days) I really really really really miss my mom. To the point where I feel like freaking out. Although I know that will do me no good, so whats the point. I just want to hear her voice, hug her, smell her, tell her how beautiful she is. I miss my days with her so much. I miss our talks. She was always so good at bringing me out of a funk. There are friends and family relationships in my life that are turning and changing, and it breaks my heart a little. I wish I had her comfort. I have so much comfort around me, Im truly blessed with amazing people in my life... but there is no other feeling in this world than the one that comes from your mom. At least for me, I know this is not the case for many people, but for me, it is. I find myself searching through the files in my brain, trying to hold on to a snip of her telling me something just to hear her voice in my mind. But the harder I try, the harder it is to hear. I think Im just feeling really unbalanced lately. Too much work and not enough soul play. I know this. It just seems sometimes like Im never caught up. But, just as I was freaking out to James the other night about how its getting to the point I cant do it all myself, an old friend shows up on my doorstep the next day and offers to help out possibly once a week, and go to yoga with me. I know this is where I need to be. I need to take better care of my body, and I need to allow myself to have help. I like to think I can take on so much, but then at times it becomes exhausting.
wow. I think I really just needed to look within a bit more. My body is telling me to slow down. And to also take stock of the people in my life who want to be there just for me. People who truly love me for who I am as a person, not as an artist, or as an emotional shoulder to lean on. I like knowing I am a trusted friend that someone can come to when they need someone, but Im tired of only being called upon during those times. Its time I really start paying more attention to that, and allowing myself to step away when I need to. This is not just for friends, but for all people in my life.
My heart is uneasy today, and I just really want my mom. (insert a big pouty face)