11.03.2011

Soul searching for a moment >>>

Today (and the last few days) I really really really really miss my mom.  To the point where I feel like freaking out.  Although I know that will do me no good, so whats the point.  I just want to hear her voice, hug her, smell her, tell her how beautiful she is.  I miss my days with her so much.  I miss our talks.  She was always so good at bringing me out of a funk.  There are friends and family relationships in my life that are turning and changing, and it breaks my heart a little.  I wish I had her comfort.  I have so much comfort around me, Im truly blessed with amazing people in my life... but there is no other feeling in this world than the one that comes from your mom.  At least for me, I know this is not the case for many people, but for me, it is.  I find myself searching through the files in my brain, trying to hold on to a snip of her telling me something just to hear her voice in my mind.  But the harder I try, the harder it is to hear.  I think Im just feeling really unbalanced lately.  Too much work and not enough soul play.  I know this.  It just seems sometimes like Im never caught up.  But, just as I was freaking out to James the other night about how its getting to the point I cant do it all myself, an old friend shows up on my doorstep the next day and offers to help out possibly once a week, and go to yoga with me.  I know this is where I need to be.  I need to take better care of my body, and I need to allow myself to have help.  I like to think I can take on so much, but then at times it becomes exhausting.  

wow.  I think I really just needed to look within a bit more.  My body is telling me to slow down.  And to also take stock of the people in my life who want to be there just for me.  People who truly love me for who I am as a person, not as an artist, or as an emotional shoulder to lean on.  I like knowing I am a trusted friend that someone can come to when they need someone, but Im tired of only being called upon during those times.  Its time I really start paying more attention to that, and allowing myself to step away when I need to.  This is not just for friends, but for all people in my life.  

My heart is uneasy today, and I just really want my mom.  (insert a big pouty face)

PEACE,
Laura

23 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you feel this way.
    You look just like your mom! Beautiful!

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  2. Everyone needs their Mom...especially us girls. I don't know what I would do without mine and I know some day she won't always be here, but I will always have her in my heart. Your Mom is with you always, remember that. And yes, your body is telling you to take time for yourself.

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  3. I'm sorry you're struggling today. Your loving words are a testament to how amazing your Mom was and that you miss her so dearly. Her photo is beautiful.

    I hope when I leave this world, my daughters feel as loved by me as you do by your Mom. Wish I could have you over for a cup of tea and a listening ear.((Hugs))

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  4. The past few weeks have seemed totally overwhelming and you have endured them beautifully~ but you're only human and it's easy to forget to pour love "in" when you're busy pouring so much "out" in to other things. ~I hope you find some comfort and peace this week~ and enjoy your time of soul-searching and reflection. it's so important!

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  5. My heart hurts for yours. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. :(

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  6. This brought me to tears and made me so very thankful for my mother. Sometimes we need to be reminded, thank you.

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  7. I'm always here for you even if we don't talk constantly. I know how much she means to you and when you lose someone like this in your life it's incredibly heart wrenching. Love you chica and hope to catch up with you soon again! I still think about our last chat we had and smile. <3

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  8. You'll be in my thoughts today Laura. Let your beautiful soul shine ;)

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  9. So sorry that you've been missing your mom, but glad that you are working through this difficult time the best you can. It can't be easy to lose a parent for the reasons you list above. I'm sending you lots of love and good thoughts <3

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  10. Oh your mom was so beautiful. I am extremely close to my mom also & I don't like to think about the fact that one day she won't be on this earth anymore. I'm so sorry you've been missing her, I hurt for you, and can't imagine how much strength it must take to live without your mother. If you ever need anything, or a girly day to get your mind off things, I am here, I mean that.

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  11. I've been missing my mom a lot lately, too. Something about fall just makes me miss her so much more. I keep wanting to call her, and knowing that I can't just makes everything hurt all over again. I hope your heart will be at ease soon. I know how mine feels, and I know it's not easy. Every girl just needs her mom sometimes, and it's so hard when you don't have that.

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  12. Sending you all the love in the world today, my sweet friend. You are so precious and I know your mama is so proud of you. Wish I could give you a great big hug! xo.

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  13. You've been working so hard because you don't want to be so sad for your dad, it's ok to be sad and cry all that you want, your body is resentful because you're forcing way too much. Enjoy your friends and your family and your husband, enjoy yourself, and let your heart be sad or happy.
    Your mom is with you everyday dear, just look at yourself at the mirror, you look so much like her, and i bet your voice is like hers too.
    A big hug for you darling

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  14. oh sweetie...my heart is positively twisting inside for you. it's good to express the truth of what you're feeling, like you are now, and not hide it away. but that doesn't make anything any easier. sending you hugs and love and blowing fervent kisses.

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  15. I know what you mean. I live in Austin, away from home, and sometimes I too miss my mom. She is the person I love the most in this world and there are some things I wish I could tell her or show her in person. Sometimes I just need her support right here... not through the phone. But its just a matter of being strong, looking up, and never going back(:
    I totally, totally get you.

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  16. Maybe your Mom is imparting that wisdom upon you today. we can get so easily get tangled up in work... and forget how truly short life is... I know I can take things much too seriously.

    When i get overwhelmed with work.. i take a step back and think about my job... im not a DR saving anyones life.... its a shirt that can wait a day or two longer- if it means me taking better care of myself. Its hard to carve out time to do for yourself.

    I heard you so well in this blog as it reminds me of how i feel sometimes!

    Balance is my everyday quest! love you

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  17. and you look so much like your pretty mama!

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  18. it's okay to take time to take care of yourself. it's okay to miss your mom. it's okay that you already know that too, but i'm telling you anyway.

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  19. As the others have said you look very much like her! I thibk that she is still with you and that it is her letting you know that you need to slow down. Take her advice and hopefully soon you will feel more balanced x

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  20. laura, hello! i just discovered your blog via Sadie Rose's blog list and i love it! in between chasing my kids up and down the house i've spent the evening and morning perusing your archives, enjoying your photography, your jewelry and your adorable style. it's been a while since i stumbled across a blog that inspired me so much. i'm looking forward to keeping up with you. also, your posts about your parents were all so moving. i lost my closest aunt to cancer about 10 years ago and it never does seem to get easier, does it? we'll never stop missing them. you do your mom such a honor with all your beautiful memories and photographs you share. someone like me, who has never met you and never will meet your mama, can tell what a special person she was, and what a special person she made. you! my condolences on the loss of your father. holy long winded comment, batman! anyway. wonderful blog. thanks for all the inspiration.
    take care!
    brigit

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  21. Hugs! I love that picture of you and your Mom. :)

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  22. Hi. I've been reading through your blog these last few days. This morning I had a dream about my mom who passed away in my arms a few years a go. When I dream of her is always painful and as I was driving home I was crying my eyes out. This was just an hour or so a go that I freaked out and had that anxiety to see her. I feel like I cannot drive to her or call her and I would give anything to see her and hug her one last time. I take this as a sign that I'm not alone and that many other feel the way I do too. Let's take one day at a time and listen closely. Take care.
    Karla

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  23. Karla, thank you so much for reaching out. im so so sorry you have to know this pain and loss too. i dont wish it for anyone. sending big loving vibes your way!!!

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Thank you so much for your sweet comments!