News Years Eve was nothing short of Magic this year. I pulled my advent window word in the morning and it was Envision. After having spent doing almost nothing for two days but envisioning, it felt soooooo confirming. For the past few days I have been having wild visions of living at my parents house, and bringing it back to life and full of love. For so long now I have felt it would be too hard to live there b/c of both of them dying there. But as time has gone on, I have been feeling more and more led to finding deep healing out there. I picture bringing people together out there. Reuniting my parents friends and family each year for easter like my parents used to do. Having woman gatherings, full moon gatherings, yoga gatherings, art gatherings, herbal gatherings... so many things. Like a place for healing. All of these visions feel so real and so needed, yet so unattainable with so many odds stacked against us. So what I have decided to do is to just put my 'envisions' out there, and allow the universe to open the doors if this is where I am led to be. I am putting my trust in the holding of the great spirit, to know my higher purpose, and whether or not this is the grounding it needs to thrive.
After lots of envisioning, I decided to pull a spread on the meditation of the very idea of moving out there. These are the cards I drew. The Past: Pierced Shield (the tower) The Present: Seed (the fool) Future: Vision (the hanged man) Reading through these (all major arcana) there was so much in depth information. I will be going back to read again and again.
Then for our New Year's celebration, James requested that we do a releasing ceremony like we did last year. He really enjoyed it and I thought it was so sweet that he initiated it.
We both spent some time writing down all the things we wanted to let go from this past year and then we released them into the fire. We took turns reading them out loud and putting our intentions out there. It always feels so good sharing like this, b/c its things we might not talk about otherwise. It was beautiful to share this with James.
I had the sudden urge to release some of my dad's ashes into the fire. I have yet to let go of any of them b/c I have just not been ready. I felt like I could finally do it without losing it. James helped me open up the box, and I mixed a handful of his ashes with some lavender buds, two rose petals and two pieces of white sage. One for him and one for my mom. I spoke some words on releasing his spirit, releasing him and myself from the sadness and anger of his decision, let him know how much I loved him, and wanted him to be free. Then we released the ashes into the fire and just watched for a little while. It felt so good, and no tears were shed. Although it would of been okay if they were, it made me happy that I was able to do this with such a clear mind. (this is my first new years I did not drink any alcohol and it felt pretty good!)
We also made a page of things we wanted to cultivate for the new year. I thought James baby one was super cute and had to photograph the memory. I decided not to burn mine so I could look back on it through the year.
Now, if you are still here, I have the most incredible experience to share. After this wonderful releasing of my dad's ashes, he visited me in my dreams. It was the most intense real dream I think Ive ever had. I remember dreaming I was laying in bed. It felt more like I was awake and actually experiencing it, but I know it was a dream. I saw my dad's face right in front of mine, real close. His hair was long like when he would grow it out. He placed his hands on my cheeks. He told me he was sorry for leaving, he told me he loved me. I told him to. I don't remember all that was said, but I remember feeling like he was genuinely sorry and full of love, and I too for him. I let him know he could go be with mom now. Then he jumped onto the image of a vinyl I was holding. It was a dark vinyl with lots of tiny white stars all over it. It reminded me of my favorite Donovan album Cosmic Wheels that I have kept as art in my home since I was a teenager. (I stole it from my parents). When he landed on the vinyl, he was a while sillouette of a person. I saw him leap and join another white sillouette and they ran across the page together where they joined a few more white sillouettes. I just remember feeling like it was him joining my mom and meeting up with their other friends who have passed on. I saw them turn into a bright light that beamed across the page and then they all turned into stars. The stars began to move and swirl. Then they all spiraled into the mouth of a fetus. It looked like a sonogram image where you just see the sillouette of the baby. The stars entered the belly of the baby. Then I woke up. I remember feeling such a deep connection running through humanity and all of the earth and stars and beyond. Like we are all cosmic starseeds, all a part of each other. And also the feeling that when we have our baby, my parents will be starseeds within them. This was truly an incredible experience. I woke up this morning feeling like everything is going to be okay.