10.27.2012

WHISKEY // RAINBOWS

It's about to get real up in here...  The other night we spent with our amazing friends, celebrating Jonny's birthday.  It felt so good to be surrounded by the people I love and feel myself with.  We just hung out with each other, ate some amazing food, and had some drinks.  I was drinking my new favorite, whiskey gingers.  By the time we left, I was beginning to realize I drank a bit too much.  I don't drink all that often, and its very rare when I drink enough to feel like it was too much... The past month, there has been some tension in our marriage... mostly due to outside responsibilities and underlying emotions about my dad.  On the way home, something was mentioned about my dad, and I basically lost it.  I cried so hard, screamed, hit the door, freaked out.  I think I've been bottling it all up so tightly that it just poured out with the whiskey.  As much as it sucked, I think it really needed to happen.  A release I wasn't allowing myself to have.  

For those of you who don't know, I lost my daddy to suicide in July of last year.  It has been such a strange healing process.  So many different emotions than I had when I lost my mom to cancer four years before that.  With her death, I was aware it was coming, I had time to say goodbye, time to love on her with everything I had, time to prepare the best way I could for what was ahead.  I did not get any of this when my dad left this earth.  Not a touch of goodbye.  Nothing.  Just gone.  For the most part, I feel such a compassion for my dad, that I have not been angry with him for his decision.  I feel so much love for him, like I always did.  But I would be lying if I said I never feel angry.  Sometimes it hurts so bad that I did not get to tell him goodbye, and I feel the anger well up in me.  And sometimes I think I let it out in petty arguments with James, which I hate.  When my mom died, I felt like I had to be so strong for my dad, and for my brother.  Now that my dad is gone, I don't know who I am trying to be so strong for.  I guess myself, so I don't just fall apart and become something I hate.  Im not sure really.  

I'm beginning to realize that having someone leave that I loved so dearly, not tell me goodbye, has made me lose a bit of self worth.  And so many of my other internal battles (like having children) have been affected even deeper by this.  There have been a few other times in my life when friends, people whom I thought loved me, just turned and walked away, without a goodbye... and though that hurt deeply, this is so much more raw.  But, I know I shouldn't let it get to me, b/c my dad was never good at goodbyes.  Every family function we ever had, he left without telling anyone goodbye, not even his wife or kids.  It's just the way he was.  And I have read countless times that people who take their own life, often don't say goodbye or leave notes.  But even statistics and deep rooted routines he had don't seem to take away that pain.  A part of me even feels guilty for feeling pain about it.  I don't want my daddy to know how much it hurts me, I still don't want him to feel bad, even though he is gone.  I just want him to feel love and acceptance. 

As silly as it sounds, seeing rainbows in my whiskey that night was no coincidence.  All of my family that has passed leaves something behind in times of need.  My grandfather leaves marbles and feathers, my mom leaves mountain laurel seeds, and my dad leaves rainbows.  It was only fitting that I kept seeing rainbows on the drink that let out all this emotion built up inside me.  It was so deep and buried I didn't even know it existed, or at least not like that.  This is all part of the bones I must gather, to understand myself a little deeper, and understand where I come from. 

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27 comments:

  1. wow, i didn't know about your dad, laura. i'm so sorry. i've never lost a parent before, but i can certainly understand emotional trauma. halloween in particular holds a lot of bad memories for me, so i've been feeling very "triggered" lately. i hope you find peace during this time, and i'm happy you found a rainbow in your whiskey to remind you of your dayd. xoxo

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  2. I love you. I am glad we got to talk more while I was there. Sometimes I think talking about it is the only way to heal. You are so strong, Laura. I am in awe of you and the strength and beauty you exude. I understand the feeling of a loss of self worth. In time this will heal. I know you well enough to know this.

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  3. oh sweetheart. <3<3<3
    i wish i were there to cuddle and give warm, tender squeezes.
    i'm so proud of you for going with the emotion. the healing process is so unique to all of us but letting your emotion be alive and shapeshift and breathe is paramount.
    you are loved. always. <3

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  4. My sweet friend, I think it is perfectly ok for you to feel angry about how your father passed away. When we communicate with those we love it can't all just be happiness and peace. It is natural and normal for us as humans, and people filled with passion to experience moments when we are so incredibly angry because even anger shows the person we love HOW much we love them in appropriate times. Anger can be used wrongly. But in your case, anger is a sign of HOW MUCH you miss your father, how much it hurts for him to be gone with a whisper, how much you love him and wish things could have been better for him. Anger can show your father just how much he means to you even though he is not physically present on this earth. Anger is an incredibly important step in mourning and you have to allow yourself to feel every emotion while mourning fully, releasing all that you feel, because every emotion connects you to the person you love. You and I are loving and compassionate people, We don't get truly DEEPLY angry over the petty things. We get truly angry when something meaningful has been broken, when something important has been cut short, when a relationship we value has gone awry. There is no point in being angry over little things, but there is SO much justification in being angry when you feel like something so incredibly important to you has been taken away.
    My friend, you are justified in how you are feeling. Allow yourself to release it all because sometimes those we love need to see all of the fire and passion of how much we love and miss them released through our anger. I know that it must bring comfort to your dad's spirit knowing that you love him SO much that it is impossible to bottle all of your emotions in when mourning his passing. Release and let him see it all, let him heal you through being honest in your emotions. Feel him deeply in the lowest of lows just as you do in the highest of highs.
    SO much love.
    xo Moorea

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  5. we can see the rainbow too in the photo. laura, please know, it's okay to be sad, get angry, or feel whatever it is you feel. also know how much love is within and surrounds you.

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  6. Thank you so much for this post and for sharing. I admire your honesty. Emotions are energy and need to go somewhere - preferably OUT than deeper IN right? Out so that we can make room for more Love. Love and support from Canada xo

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  7. I hope you find healing and solace, and I think that just takes time. I identify with you so much.
    When I was 22, with a toddler son and a rocky marriage, I lost my beloved father to cancer. 2 years later I lost my husband suddenly, prob to suicide but that isn't clear, and the difference I felt between the two losses was staggering. The feelings of rage were strong, and regret, and just profound sadness for myself and my son.
    The only thing I can say is that time does help, but getting those emotions out helps too. I was a wreck for about a year until one day I stood up, brushed myself off, and started moving forward again, one foot at a time until I healed myself.

    Stay strong and let yourself have those moments when you need them. I think we need to purge our emotional buildup just like a physical detox, and the time it may take is different for us all. Seven years later it still hurts sometimes, and I'm ok with that as long as I get it out.

    Blessed be

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  8. I'm sorry Laura. :( The grieving process is ongoing and necessary. Allow yourself to feel these emotions. Don't be afraid to let them out. Allow yourself to heal as much as possible. You are, as always, in my thoughts. Take care sweet girl. Hugs.

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  9. I'm so saddened to hear this. I'm sorry to hear you've lost your mother to such a horrible disease, and to have your father go like that sounds incredibly rough, also. I wish there were answers for why these things happen. It angers me that this is the reality for so many families. It bothers me that I'll never have enough power to reach out to someone and make things better. But you're not alone, and we'll never truly know one another, but I'm here, and I hope that means something.

    Namaste, Laura.
    <3

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  10. I do not know whether anything a total stranger like myself can say will help or even seem appropriate, but I wish you all the strength and love I can. You have done so much to get to where you are - please don't doubt your self worth, you are such a beautiful person. I truly hope you find your peace.

    Love, Gemma

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  11. Its not fair that u have to go through something like this! I truely feel with you here and I think its superimpressive that you find the right words to explain your feelings and thoughts!!
    Thinking, talking, writing, crying, jelling....etc. only builds your character and makes you stronger!
    Love & Peace, Betty

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  12. Thank you so much for this post. I stumbled across your blog my accident and found myself crying at exactly midnight here in England. I like to think this isn't coincident and it's something magical but who knows. Anyway, your post resided with me and it's something I myself have a similar emotional attachement with

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  13. Oops I don't know if that posted all of it. But thank you, your post was beautiful and I'm thinking of you. A friend you don't know :) xx

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  14. Sometimes freaking out a little is good I guess, it gets things out there in the open where we can deal with them. Some folks hold it all in forever. You're such a thoughtful person and, with time, you will heal. Sending love and light to you, dear. <3

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  15. Love this post. You are a beautiful, evolving woman! You help me heal when I read your posts. I too let my built up emotions out in petty fights sometimes (which I also hate). I often feel like we can only work on ourselves bits at a time. Becoming a better you, takes a toll on you emotionally! When my mom was taken from me I felt so lost. I had nobody left to be strong for, but didn't know how to cry. How to break down. I struggle with these emotions every day. Being strong for others is what I was good at. Loving up on my mom. Working on myself and learning who I am can be tough!

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  16. I love when you pour your heart out to us all. I know it's not an easy thing to do especially when it's about a lost parent. You always help heal my heart with your amazing words and wonderful soul. I tend to let my emotions spill out and I try not to keep them bottled up. When I read you talking so openly about both your parents it helps me to realize that I need to talk about my mom. I need to let the tears flow and I need to also try to heal. That part so far has been the hardest, the healing. Tomorrow will be my mothers birthday and I'm going to spend it outdoors with her next to me. I'm going to try to get rid of alot of these tears so that from now I can I can try to more happy and less sad. Lets see how many butterflies I see tomorrow. ♥ Thank you for being you.

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  17. I think your words of raw emotion and honesty can truly help others, even though you are going through so many emotions yourself, I think the effect they can have on others, myself included, is so very powerful. May you continue to be strong or try as best you can, and have the support and love of those around you. Many blessings, Laura.

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  18. I only recently stumbled upon your blog and instantly fell in love with it. Reading these words off my screen only makes me love it even more - it's raw, pure, and most importantly, true.
    Qualities that are seemingly hard to find these days.

    And it's funny how you mention that loved ones who have passed leave things behind... my grandfather passed away just over a year ago and leaves behind dimes. I find them everywhere.

    Much love to you xo

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  19. You are a raw and powerful woman and even just writing this, you've inspired so many. It is sometimes, as you probably know, the hardest thing in the world to let down the dam and release how you feel. But you need to know, as does anyone that has a hard time letting go, that it is okay. It's okay to feel however you feel. I'm in pain for you but I'm also glad that you can see how it affects you in such a third-person view. You'll be okay in time, I believe that. Love is being sent your way, from so many people.

    xo Ashley
    luckylittlebird.blogspot.com

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  20. My name is Victoria,just read your post and want to say,sorry for your lost.And tht is wht is a LOST. I just lost someone l love too! He was a young man 30yrs old.Killed by a drunk driver.Just like tht he was gone..He was like A SON TO ME!!..So I understand all those RAW emotions (right now)! All I can say to you right now is, be the gift you are to be...Walk in all the FULLNESS of you!! The last thing 'CARL'gave me was this little red jewerly box w/roses.This was just a few weeks ago,when he gave me tht litle box I knew wht it meant,it was for me to walk in the one thing I STRUGGLE THE MOST W/...LOVE!!!Afraid to love others,afraid to let others love me too!!!So Isay to you walk in your gift,Tht is where you will FIND YOUR FULLNESS!!!! Sincerely,Victoria

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  21. We don't know each other, but I can say that I love you Laura. I commented on your FB page a little while ago about losing my mother recently (and then finding out I was pregnant), just two months ago. She was an alcoholic and that's what did her in, so needless to say, there's a LOT of feelings that surround that. Some that I'm not even aware of until they explode from me. I know what you mean about your feelings coming out in petty arguments with your spouse. The same happens here. But I guess it makes sense. How we feel is a huge part of who we are, so it only makes sense that it would show up in the relationships closest to us. I sometimes am not even aware of a certain way I'm feeling, until I have one of those lame arguments with my hubs. Then it clicks, and the emotions pour out. Much love to you, and healing vibes. <3

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  22. You have to feel to heal. In time this will get easier...the emotional release, the memories without hurt or anger. It will get easier, but will never fully go away. I believe that in some way, he is helping you grieve and heal. The things you're finding (feathers, seeds, rainbows) are your loved ones saying hello. (I truly believe this!) We may never understand why our loved ones leave the way they do. It's hard. It hurts like hell. But, always remember the love they had for you and know they left knowing your love.

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  23. The rainbow thing is so great. You are so much stronger then you think you are.

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  24. I'm a new follower of yours, and I was just browsing through your previous posts and saw this.

    I lost my father, same as you in July of last year, in a quick fashion where a goodbye was given at a funeral and not to a breathing person. What kills me most is that the current man I'm with, my father would've simply adored and would have proudly called him son.

    He loved you very much, that I don't doubt. I was told that with every holiday, every special moment, it'll never get easier. The emotions flood like no other. Although the day-to-day gets easier with time. I'm seeing that it is true, I hope it is for you.

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  25. I have been following since and I just stumbled on to this post just now as I really love checking your blog. The thing is, maybe it's meant to be that I get to read this post, specifically. I had an argument with my folks earlier and got so upset and emotional. I came to realize when I finished reading your post, I truly admire you for being a strong woman. You inspire me in a lot of ways and it was better anyhow that you let it out - what you feel inside. I may not have a hubby yet but for sure, at times, lil arguments strike. But you can get up from it and make your relationship stronger. I love to read your posts so much because you lift up my mood (and for sure, others' as well). With full of positive energy, sometimes, it needs a bit of nega vibe to balance it all. I adore you a billion times. Time can heal anything. Have a blessed new year to u and your hub.

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Thank you so much for your sweet comments!