I created this photograph a few years ago, during an emotionally dark period of my life. Recently I played around with re-editing it and made it into a double exposure (which does make it appear more revealing than the original by far, but that's okay). I love going back to old works and reworking them with a new vision. This piece to me represented having so many things bottled up in my mind but not being able to speak them, as well as going through a period of exploration and vulnerability of my heart, spirit and body. It was a period of my life that became a turning point from adult adolescence into more of a woman with a clearer vision of who she was and wanted to be, and who she no longer wanted to be. It was a defining year of my life that could of gone very very wrong, but instead only got really bad, and then clarity hit and growth sprouted. In bigger ways then I ever could of imagined at the time.
Just seeing this photograph brings back that feeling. The vision came through with this image so strongly that it will never leave my mind. Gosh I miss making art like this. And there are no excuses. I will use the excuse of time, or inspiration, or simply that Im not enough of an emotional wreck to create like this anymore, ha ha. But none of those are viable excuses. This is one passion I want to return to myself. Like a gift to myself. An expression just for my own soul, with no other purposes.
Funny, I actually got on here to pour out all of my stuff I have bottled up inside right now, which is why I chose this photo for this post, but already it has brought my awareness to something deeper inside that is missing. Like an answer to a question I didnt even know I was asking.
Its been a rough few weeks for me. And when Im honest with myself, more than a few weeks. My Nanna's hubby getting sick and then dying was very hard and sad for all of us. It brought out alot of worry in my heart for my Nanna, who is one of my best friends. And it brought forth many more feelings about my dad that have been buried within me. But again, it reinforced what an amazing family I really do have. Such a loving group of women. Im so proud to be among them.
Being back home and getting back to work has had me a bit frazzled. It is all becoming so apparent to me how much I have fallen behind with certain commitments in this past year. So many big events have happened... we bought our first home, I became the featured seller of etsy, I lost my dad... All of these things knocked out months of this year and my 'schedule' I once had has been severely shot, not to mention my organization of everything. These things are no excuses I know, but they did unravel my solid routines for sure. And maybe that is a good thing. But now Im at a crossroad realizing what I need to do to get back on track, and it seems daunting. But... I know I can do it. I think what Im fighting most is my body is telling me from being sick to slow down and to relax my emotions, but my life is telling me to go go go, get that stuff done! So once again, Im back to Balance. I havent done my yoga in almost 3 weeks, even with being surrounded by such lovely supporters in our 30 Day Mind & Body group. (which by the way, we have decided to keep it going and just have it be an all the time affair, so feel free to join at anytime).
My friend Rain has started a little prompt exercise on her blog, and her first one asked the question: what do you really, really, really want??? And without thinking my answer was to feel real long lasting joy, to find a place where this underlying sadness goes away. To really really laugh and find my childlike silliness again that I feel has been lost amongst the loss and the responsibility that has come with life. I feel like I have really grieved the death of both of my parents, but sometimes I wonder if that hurt and sadness that lays in my belly and kind of gently coats everything around me ever goes away. Does it? Or is it just a part of me Ill need to live with forever and ever. I think the hardest part of grieving is that there is no real end. Its not like, okay, Ive been through all the stages, so now Im all better. Of course I have lots of good days, and great days, and moments of peace. But it still always feel like there is a void, a longing, a hole, within. With each hole that is created, it seems more and more things like fear move its little way into them.
Maybe Im just having a period of the downs that I just need to honor as such and be okay with it, and stop fighting this feeling. But in reality, I find it makes me moody towards my hubby, way too serious and a bit of a crybaby. I dont want to be these things. So, if you see me hiding behind alot of outfit posts lately, and not opening up like my usual self, its b/c of all of this. My mind is a bit heavy and I dont always want to dump it all on here.
Remember when my bluejays kept coming to me, trying to tell me something? I think Im realizing now the value of sticking with your commitments and not doing things half way through. Like I have done now with Soulodge and my yoga challenge. Im happy spring is ahead of us. Im ready for a new season of life, of soul, of scenery, of love. Its time to fall in love with life again. That is what I am looking forward to.