3.17.2012

To Everything There Is A Season >>>

I created this photograph a few years ago, during an emotionally dark period of my life.  Recently I played around with re-editing it and made it into a double exposure (which does make it appear more revealing than the original by far, but that's okay).  I love going back to old works and reworking them with a new vision.  This piece to me represented having so many things bottled up in my mind but not being able to speak them, as well as going through a period of exploration and vulnerability of my heart, spirit and body.  It was a period of my life that became a turning point from adult adolescence into more of a woman with a clearer vision of who she was and wanted to be, and who she no longer wanted to be.  It was a defining year of my life that could of gone very very wrong, but instead only got really bad, and then clarity hit and growth sprouted.  In bigger ways then I ever could of imagined at the time.

Just seeing this photograph brings back that feeling.  The vision came through with this image so strongly that it will never leave my mind.  Gosh I miss making art like this.  And there are no excuses.  I will use the excuse of time, or inspiration, or simply that Im not enough of an emotional wreck to create like this anymore, ha ha.  But none of those are viable excuses.  This is one passion I want to return to myself.  Like a gift to myself.  An expression just for my own soul, with no other purposes.  

Funny, I actually got on here to pour out all of my stuff I have bottled up inside right now, which is why I chose this photo for this post, but already it has brought my awareness to something deeper inside that is missing.  Like an answer to a question I didnt even know I was asking. 

Its been a rough few weeks for me.  And when Im honest with myself, more than a few weeks.  My Nanna's hubby getting sick and then dying was very hard and sad for all of us.  It brought out alot of worry in my heart for my Nanna, who is one of my best friends.  And it brought forth many more feelings about my dad that have been buried within me.  But again, it reinforced what an amazing family I really do have.  Such a loving group of women.  Im so proud to be among them.  

Being back home and getting back to work has had me a bit frazzled.  It is all becoming so apparent to me how much I have fallen behind with certain commitments in this past year.  So many big events have happened... we bought our first home, I became the featured seller of etsy, I lost my dad... All of these things knocked out months of this year and my 'schedule' I once had has been severely shot, not to mention my organization of everything.  These things are no excuses I know, but they did unravel my solid routines for sure.  And maybe that is a good thing.  But now Im at a crossroad realizing what I need to do to get back on track, and it seems daunting.  But... I know I can do it.  I think what Im fighting most is my body is telling me from being sick to slow down and to relax my emotions, but my life is telling me to go go go, get that stuff done!  So once again, Im back to Balance.  I havent done my yoga in almost 3 weeks, even with being surrounded by such lovely supporters in our 30 Day Mind & Body group.  (which by the way, we have decided to keep it going and just have it be an all the time affair, so feel free to join at anytime). 

My friend Rain has started a little prompt exercise on her blog, and her first one asked the question: what do you really, really, really want???  And without thinking my answer was to feel real long lasting joy, to find a place where this underlying sadness goes away.  To really really laugh and find my childlike silliness again that I feel has been lost amongst the loss and the responsibility that has come with life.  I feel like I have really grieved the death of both of my parents, but sometimes I wonder if that hurt and sadness that lays in my belly and kind of gently coats everything around me ever goes away.  Does it?  Or is it just a part of me Ill need to live with forever and ever.  I think the hardest part of grieving is that there is no real end.  Its not like, okay, Ive been through all the stages, so now Im all better.  Of course I have lots of good days, and great days, and moments of peace.  But it still always feel like there is a void, a longing, a hole, within.  With each hole that is created, it seems more and more things like fear move its little way into them.  

Maybe Im just having a period of the downs that I just need to honor as such and be okay with it, and stop fighting this feeling.  But in reality, I find it makes me moody towards my hubby, way too serious and a bit of a crybaby.  I dont want to be these things.  So, if you see me hiding behind alot of outfit posts lately, and not opening up like my usual self, its b/c of all of this.  My mind is a bit heavy and I dont always want to dump it all on here.  

Remember when my bluejays kept coming to me, trying to tell me something?  I think Im realizing now the value of sticking with your commitments and not doing things half way through.  Like I have done now with Soulodge and my yoga challenge.  Im happy spring is ahead of us.  Im ready for a new season of life, of soul, of scenery, of love.  Its time to fall in love with life again.  That is what I am looking forward to.  

PEACE,
Laura

14 comments:

  1. Love the photo. I'm sorry for everything that you've had to go through of late. I do follow all of your posts, and I can tell you've been hurting. I don't know what this means coming from a complete stranger, but I enjoy your beautiful spirit. I hope you heal up darling.

    xoxo - http://cachecloset.blogspot.com/

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  2. I was listening to NPR the other day and they talked about a project called Story Corps. It's so amazing and its all about documenting stories about important personal relationships. The goal of the project is collect a huge database of people telling their stories, recording it, so that for future generations, we can listen to these stories of our friends, parents, grandparents, and remember our collective story.

    It is an incredible project and you can go here: http://storycorps.org/ and listen to some stories, some heartbreaking, some funny, lots of kinds of stories. And you can record your story too! My friend, I think maybe it would special for you to record your story with the people who have passed who you still feel and love and miss. Your story can become encouraging to others who have experienced something similar, a reminder that they are not alone, you are not alone.

    One of the people in the special on NPR, talking about Story Corps, said something that really stuck with me. "The hard things about life is that we will lose people we love throughout our life. And it will create holes that can never be filled. It changes us and those holes are there forever. We dance around them during the day and fall into them at night." That last line is SO true. We dance around them during the day, having moments where we are able to just focus on other things, keep ourselves busy or just focused and involved in other things. But at night, we fall into our holes, the ones left behind that remind us of the people we have loved and lost.

    It's ok that we have holes. It's ok that they will never be patched up. I don't want the hole that was left behind when my grandmother passed away to ever be closed up or smoothed over. I want to always feel her, miss her, love her as deeply as I do now. And what I think is so special about Story Corps is that it documents real, vivid stories of real people, telling their stories about their holes.

    I really encourage you to check it out. If only to feel the community of people who have told their stories, to let yourself mourn and know that you are not alone in suffering. And even in your hurts, you have ways to share and reach out to others who want to hear you, hear your story.

    You are so special, so precious, so valuable, so loved, and your story is so full of important words and memories, your story is LIFE even though it tells of pain and and huge losses and hurts. Your story is LIFE.

    Love you so much my sweet friend.

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  3. & you will laura. you will fall in love with life again. know that you're healing & that takes time. somethings may open the wounds. somethings may help recovery. it's not all black & white. but whatever it is, you're strong enough, even when you feel weak.

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  4. Oh, my heart is with you tonight.
    <3

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  5. What a stunning image. I too am looking forward to spring. A new season.

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  6. As always, you are in my thoughts. I wish peace upon you in the coming spring.

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  7. Beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing. I think these feelings are something everyone goes through and it's so brave for you to open up like this.

    Keep on keepin' on, lovely!

    xx morgan stone

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  8. Thank you for sharing, Laura -- you're not alone in experiencing these feelings!

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  9. you're so strong laura. i've admired you from day one. i honestly think it's the age...i'm going on twenty-six, and i go through these periods of incredible inspiration, followed by periods of making excuses and fighting through all this fatigue and boredom. trust me when i say that you do more than people i know who have been through even more than you have. you step up! and i love that about you. just accept yourself, give yourself the love you need. everything passes. <3

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  10. one thing i love about you is that you are so vulnerable and you share your heart and what is going on in your life. you had to grow up fast which gives you deep wisdom far beyond your years. i see you as the proverbial medicine woman, the ancient (in soul years) sage who has tapped into that eternal stream that flows from the heart of God.

    i'm so sorry you've had wave after wave of sorrow and unexpected forks in the road. i hope that you have been able to rest. i've been thinking about you a lot in other ways. the other day when i spoke to my grandmother who had cancer i knew in my spirit that it was the last time i'd ever speak with her, and she passed
    this morning. it brings you right to that thin place, the ancient thin places the celts talked about. i think of you as living there, right at the transparent threshold between this world and the other world...and i can't help but think that you have some deep calling regarding this; i don't want to say too much but i feel like you have been Chosen. i ache with you that things have been so damn hard and full of grief. i long for you to have rest and sunshine and the deepest joy...

    sending huge hugs and loads of love, sweet friend. hang in there and get plenty of rest. xoxo.

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  11. I think that what you said about the sadness gently coating your belly is a really accurate way to describe it. It's about learning to live with it, and finding new ways to discover joy. I've been thinking about this so much lately. I've changed since losing my grandmother, aunt, Jeff and Bubby in such a short period and I feel like it's created this lingering emptiness. I don't think it ever goes away, but I think we learn to adapt, become stronger, and also realize what is really important. I used to think it would be something that eventually went away, like when you're sick and eventually get better. But I think it becomes part of you. And that can be overwhelming and confusing and discouraging, but at the same time I think it makes us grow.

    You are such a special person. So introspective and compassionate. I wish you lots of child-like giggling and happy times. I'm so grateful for our friendship.

    xo,
    melissa

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  12. Life is always a series of ups and downs so it is perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling. I'm sorry for the loss you've had lately and just go with the flow. Life always has its way of working itself out and bringing one out of the darkness.

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  13. You are so brave, Laura. I've been following your blog daily since I stumbled upon it last September and though you feel weak, you emanate a strength. I'm going through stuff too. Today I had a wake up call that made me aware of how my brokeness has started to affect my productivity and will potentially destroy everything I've work so hard for for the past 2.5 years. You are so loved through your blog readers. I don't know really what I'm trying so say except, I'm going through it too. I'm still figuring it out too. And the hope is that we'll both find that endless joy again. :) Peace be with you, Laura.

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  14. This is such a great image, and honestly I think it's great that you have such a talent to let out your feeling through art. That is how the greatest pieces have been made. You are a really strong person, keep it up and don't give up(:

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Thank you so much for your sweet comments!