Daddy, I miss you...

I miss my daddy so much.  I know that lately I probably seem like I am doing just fine, keeping myself busy with work and sales...  But there is not really a moment I dont have him on my mind.  Lately Ive been trying to not think about him, b/c its almost too painful when I do.  I can get sick to my stomach in an instant by thinking about what he did.  So I have to just switch my thoughts real fast and keep on with something else.  There are so many crazy stages to grief.  It is like a bottomless pit of feelings you never knew you could possess, for the person who is gone, for yourself, for life...

I love this photo above.  I love the way my parents looked at each other.  And my moms long hair.  Before my dads hair turned salt and pepper.  And my Pap in the background, looking at the look in his daughter's eyes.  I love it.  They are all now gone from this earth.  Hopefully all looking at each other like this again.  Missing my dad has brought up all of my old feelings of missing my mom.  I could really really use her here with me right now.  But, I wouldnt want her to have to go through this, so Im glad she is not here in a way.  My dad's choice to take his own life is affecting so many people still here on earth.  Hopefully in time, we will all be able to grow and learn from this painful experience, I can only hope.

I keep dreaming about my dad.  He looks happy and healthy each time I see him.  And I can hear his voice too.  I think he has been answering some of my questions for me.  I have so many of them.  This may be a bit graphic, but last night I dreamt I was talking with him.  I burst out in tears and asked him, 'If this was so thought out and well planned, why didnt you take a moment to leave a note that just says i love you'.  He told me he had been planning to do this for years now, but when the time came, it all happened so fast, that he just didnt. - now although that is not really the answer that I want, its most likely something my brain has just produced b/c it has been mulling through so many questions and scenarios for weeks now, it just desperately wants something.  

I think one of the hardest parts of this, is knowing my dad was an impatient man.  He could never wait for things.  When something needed to be done, or he was ready to leave somewhere, it was now.  I really think if he could have had a bit more patience with life, he would have seen a whole new side to it.  He really was still so full of life and had so much to offer this world, I just dont think he himself saw it.  I really think some of the best years of his life could have been right before his eyes, but he gave up too soon.  I could be wrong.  It may have only gotten harder for him.  Somethings, we will never know.

I yearn for the day I can look back on my daddy with feelings none other than love and compassion.  I know that is at the core of my feelings, but right now I cant help but feel so many other things.  I will forever be left with a wounded heart.  It is soooo much different than losing someone who is sick, like my mom was.  

I only share these personal feelings b/c maybe someone out there reading this has gone through this too, and you wont feel so alone.  Or it may help someone in a different way, maybe someone who has thought about doing this.  I only can hope that my openess and honesty will bring light to someone in some way.  I have thought about starting a different blog just for these feelings, but I always come back to the fact that this blog is my life.  Its not just my art, or the things I love, its my life.  And life is black and white, and every shade of gray and color in between you can imagine.  I think my daddy only saw life in black and white sometimes.  And its not.

My heart goes out to all of the orphans in this world, b/c now I truly feel a bit of what they feel.  And to anyone who has gone through losing someone close to them.  It is the hardest part of life.  Love to you.



  1. oh laura, you make me cry for you...i cant begin to imagine how you feel. i do thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts with others, bc its touched me in a way ive never felt and has given me a new outlook on a lot of things. you have such a beautiful soul and anyone that reads your words can see that. i really do believe that God tells us things and allows us to see things for reasons we cant understand. as hard as it is to cry and think about him, and your mom, emotions are good for the soul. its better to feel something than nothing... and i know this from personal experience.
    praying for you and sending your cyber hugs.
    love u.

  2. oh honey... this makes me sob. i have lost loved ones in a different way and yet that river of grief still rushes strong. thank you for being transparent and courageous.

    so much love.

  3. This is a very beautiful picture. I am honored that I did get to know your parents and that they were awesome people. I admire you for writing about it and I do hope your words help another person move through their pain as your moving through yours. I have lost my mom but only through abandonment. She left when I was 8 and now that I am older we still talk but in my eyes, I have never had a mother. I know you will get through this... even if it takes some time. You have so much going for you and maybe someday you and james will have a couple of kids that will be like a lil linda and tim running around... I wish the best for you and him.

  4. I don't think you are off in your assumption that your dad's life would've gotten better in the next few years. Your dad was an amazing man and even through the two brief times I was around him I felt he had a lot to offer. That picture is beautiful. You got all the beautiful qualities of your parents and I know they are proud of you. Sometimes when things make the least amount of sense they are the ones to make you grow the most. I am glad you have the courage to post these blogs. They are a necessary part of life. Living life out loud is the best thing you can do right now. I love you Laura and I know I haven't been the greatest friend during this time. I'm sorry I am not there for you more.

  5. Laura,
    My heart really goes out to you. I do not know your pain and I have not experienced what you are going through but I can feel what you are going through if that makes sense. I know that we do not know each other besides the virtual world but yet I feel this connection to you and if we ever crossed paths, you would be someone I would be honored to be friends with. Press on Love, even though this time in your life is going to be very difficult. You will heal..unfortunately, you will never forget, but you will heal. Check out this video...I think it says a lot and I hope that it makes you feel better... http://youtu.be/AlPijH9TjWg
    Peace and Love,

  6. You are so brave...so full of purpose. I don't know if you believe in God...but, to me, it seems like He has his hand on you. Though He is not the author of pain and death...He can take those things and turn them around for a beautiful purpose. Your honesty is so necessary...so needed! That's why, when I fall out of love with so many other blogs...I keep coming back to yours. The human thread that binds us all is so strong...so real. What a remarkable woman you are...like a butterfly that has to struggle to get out of it's chrysalis. I stand with you.

  7. OH. MY. WORD. My verification word for my last comment was "wings". Enough said.

  8. This was a wonderful post, though difficult to read as it is a heavy topic, it's filled with an openness that is appreciated. Life sometimes makes no sense at all, and all we can do is cling to what sense is left and move on. You're so strong, to write this out and think this way, I hope things feel better for you soon <3

  9. oh laura...it's just so hard. you might be asking questions for the rest of your life. we can never know what that person was thinking or truly going through. what's lovely is that YOU aren't giving up. you're so strong and recognize how much happiness is ahead for you. i'm thinking of you, for sure. <3

  10. I can only imagine how heart-breaking this is for you. Please know my thoughts are with you. <3 Your parents sound like amazing people.

  11. ...
    I am pretty speechless...
    This is my first time here.
    I am so sorry that you are going through this...
    Thank you for sharing these feelings. I too think it is important for people to share the ugly along with the beautiful...
    My thoughts are with you.

  12. Laura, this is so hard, and I have no idea what you're going through. I just hope you feel loved and embraced by everyone who surrounds you. I do know that time can heal deep wounds. Love to you.

  13. The right words are so hard to come up with in times like this. And I know from experience the things people say never make it better.
    But I want to say your are a beautiful and brave woman, and you are deeply loved.
    I have been dreaming of my grandfather lately for the first time since he died and its so bizarre and breaks my heart all over again when i wake up and he is gone.
    I hope peace overcomes you and surrounds you in an unimaginable way.

  14. I wanted to say that I am very sorry for what you are going through. I know it's really hard for you. My Dad also took his own life. He was only 28 years old when he did it. I was 6 at the time. To this day no one knows why he did it. I just have to believe he had a good enough reason to not go on and let his life get better.
    I was a Daddy's girl and have so many memories of him. I remember always wanting to be with him. I remember going fishing and hunting with him.
    I still get very angry about what he did. My younger brother and I had to grow up without a father. My brother was too young to remember much about him and states that he hates our dad, which breaks my heart. My Mom was not very understanding about my grief while growing up.
    I have bad days when I will cry for almost an entire day but for some reason I feel better afterwards.
    I think a lot of my feelings about what he did is because he didn't even give himself enough time to get over whatever he was going through. No matter what, I will always love him and cherish the memories I have.
    I am sorry if I have gone on too much. I have read your blog for a while now and when I read your post today I felt like you have the same feelings I have. Even though I was a lot younger than you are when my Dad died, I would like to say that it does get better with time. When I think of my Dad, they are good and happy thoughts and memories. The bad days I have are very few - mainly on his birthday and the anniversary of the day he died. I just try to keep busy.
    I truly hope you get through this and feel better.

  15. I feel that I need to write something so that you know you are in my thoughts but I don't know what I can possibly say. I can't even begin to comprehend what you're going through right now, but I hope you realise that your blog reaches so many people all around the world. I'm sure that I'm not the only one to be affected by your courage to share what you're going through in hopes that it will help you to heal and that you might help others in the process. The fact that you can even get out of bed at the moment baffles me. Take all the time you need, we will all be here with you!

  16. I am a new reader here - i am so sad to hear that you have lost your dad so soon after your mom (some people will not understand how 3 years could be 'soon' but it is) I lost my dad 3 years ago and I miss him every day. Its horrible to lose a parent like this or any other way. I hope you find strength in knowing that you are not alone!

  17. Don't feel as though you have to have any excuse to share your feelings here, my dear. This is Your blog. It seems your story makes all of our hearts hurt for you but that is life. We want to be your shoulder, to empathize, or to be able to help you in some way...even if it's just by listening. I wish you love and light and healing..

  18. that is such a beautiful picture! i feel honoured to hear your stories and your thoughts. no words seem quite right but i just wanted to say that i admire your strenght and i wish it will all be easier to deal with in time. <3

    and ps: i am a firm believer that dreams are a great help when it comes to understanding whats not understandable, that talks with loved ones that has passed are as real as they are just a product of our brain trying to heal. i am so glad you got some good answers and i hope they will make it easier to live through it all.

  19. sending you so much love. so much. thank you for sharing. i absolutely adore your work and shared your etsy store on my blog this morning! hope it brings you sunshine my dear.

  20. I have been thinking of you lately. I was thinking of sending you an e mail. My Mom has been suicidal since before I was born. I have some questions. I think dreams can sometimes speak to us & answer some of our questions.

  21. Sending you so much love Laura. As you know, I completely understand the "wanting to know" and unanswered questions part. It's torture. You are such a beautiful person inside and out, and I'm here for you if you need me.


  22. This brought tears to my eyes. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I've lost people in my life, for different reasons, and that was hard enough. I hope you are able to find some peace. Sending healing energy your way...

  23. New reader here too. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say but I want you to know I am sending love and comfort to you.

  24. i'm sorry i'm getting to this post late. i don't know how you feel, but my boyfriend's mother took her own life, and it's so hard to know what to say, or how to ask him about it. i know it's got to be something that weighs on you, and nags at least every once in a while.. it's been almost 20 years now for him since his mom passed, and i think he is at peace with it--if it's any comfort to you. you will feel so much more peace, in time.. although it will be a struggle.. everything always gets better with time.

    i am so sorry for the loss of your parents. :( i know i'm not speaking for myself when i say that i wish we could all give you a group hug!

  25. Laura, you are real. Bravery comes through in your sadness. I'm amazed how you put into beautiful words what is so difficult to describe. The picture of your parents is precious. If anything, reading about your Dad today makes me want to go on with life and live it to the fullest. When I read your blog, I feel connection and that's a gift. Thank you.

  26. That picture is amazing. Thank you for sharing it. Your words affect more than just people who may have lost someone (which you know I have) it's more than that. It puts a perspective on how parents shape children. As a mama, you constantly remind me to be my best for my little girls, no matter how I'm feeling, because they will grow into beautiful women who look up to me. It's easy to get lost in me and how I may have a hard day, but you remind me to buck up and be there for my girls no matter what. Because I want them to feel loved like you feel loved by your mama, no matter how long I'm here for. You remind me that tomorrow isn't promised to us and we only have today. Thank you for sharing real life with me. It's not easy, it's not always happy, but it's beautiful in it's own sort of way. Love you.

  27. Dearest Laura. Thanks for sharing all this deep stuff from your heart. You are loved my dear! Thinking of you and praying that God will help you find comfort. You are so precious!

  28. Hi sweet Laura, I have been thinking of you. This picture is so beautiful and lovely. It makes me think of so many memories of my own as photos often bring. They bring flashing pictures and voices that you want to relive to see and hear. I admire your honesty and admire your strength. Stay strong sweet Laura. I will be thinking of you.

    Take care,


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  30. Hello, My name is Jade and I just wanted to Thank you for this post. I lost my Dad not very long ago and it is THE HARDEST thing I've ever been through. It's been a year, but it still is not easier, my grief has just changed and is less hysterical. But its so very difficult at times. Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel less alone.

    Love Jade...


  31. my heart breaks for you dear laura, with all those unanswered questions, sorrow, & pain. you know you are very brave, & strong, don't you?


  32. Dear Laura, I lost my dad last year, on May, it's have been a hard time for me. He past away in less than two days. A lot of changes, a lot of pain. I miss him a lot. I miss how my family used to be.
    Now I'm better, but I know everything will never going to be the same, but I have the hope that he is in a better place.
    Lot of hugs for you and your family.


Thank you so much for your sweet comments!